matlock makes it all better

Single mom or not, being a mother is hard.  As mom’s, our paths are very similar – I’m sure the majority of mom’s feel that 24 hours is not nearly enough time to get everything done and most of us, at one time or another, have felt like we weren’t good enough. But lemme tell ya’, dating or dealing with a break-up while being a single mom absolutely sucks!  Ever since my kid “broke up” with me and pushed me out of the nest to find a boyfriend, I’ve been having anxiety about dating – online dating in particular.  A while ago, I ended a ‘going nowhere’ relationship with a nice-enough man and the thought of resurrecting that is sounding much better than uploading photos of myself or creating a profile.

The truth of the matter is I have trouble with being vulnerable. It takes me a very long time to truly share myself with someone.  To the outside world, my exterior is strong and self-assured, but to those that really know me – my interior can be filled with uncertainty, self-doubt and immense fear. So of course, I’d be thinking of resurrecting that dead relationship – I know the guy, he knows me and I know what to expect, even if it wouldn’t be much. This isn’t a pity-party for me, I’m just being real. We all have our own issues and we have to look at them openly and honestly, if we’re ever going to grow, right? However, this whole being vulnerable thingy pushes me out of my comfort zone…and I need control!

Weeks ago, I joined singleparentsmeet.com.  After joining the site, it took me a while to upload a picture, and I still have yet to write my profile but I am thinking about it – maybe, I’m thinking about it too much.  Should I be coy spice? Or maybe intelligent spice? How about sporty spice? And my display picture, am I showing too much curvy spice?  Ya see anxiety.

The other night, I was having dinner with my sister – who’s engaged – and I was explaining to her how intimidated I am by internet dating sites and that they make me feel like I’m selling myself.  After she finished laughing, big sis put another spin on it.

“Nette, think of those dating sites like a bar or restaurant you hang out at. You know how you package yourself before you got out…just do it online. You’re creative, right?” 

Yes. Yes I am.

She’s right; before I go out I make sure I am “packaged” to the nines – from hair & make-up to clothes, shoes and accessories.  I’m not one to beep my own horn but beep-beep. 

It will probably take me a few weeks to get my packaging the way I want for these sites but I’m actually looking forward to see what the response will be.  I wonder as I go through this process, if I will feel less and less freaked out.  Maybe, maybe not but right now, the only thing I feel like doing is crawling in my bed, curling up under my covers and watching dv-r’d episodes of Matlock but I am off to check homework, cook dinner and find out how my little homey’s day was at school.

the break-up

A few weeks ago, my 11-year-old son and I were getting ourselves ready to leave our house and begin our Sunday ritual.  From the time he was a toddler, every Sunday he and I would hang out at our neighborhood Starbucks – set up camp for a few hours – to read, talk, and laugh, while I drank grande after grande of their Pike’s Place coffee.  Chalk it up to Mother’s intuition or his facial expressions, but this Sunday didn’t feel like the other Sundays. While tying my sneaker, he sits down next to me and says, “hey mom, can we skip today? My friends are outside and I wanna hang with them.” 

Skip today? What the hell was this kid talking about – skip today?

I really tried not to look disappointed but my scrunched-up face and opened mouth gave me away because he says, “Mom, I promise, next week it’ll just be me and you. But if you had a boyfriend…” And with that my son and his big curly afro were out the door.  Since I had been pretty much left immobile by his words, I started thinking about what he just said.  It’s true - he is getting older and as each year passes, he needing me less and less.  He has his friends and it’s time I find…a boyfriend? A boyfriend? Talk about scary.

In the past 11-years, I’ve only had two boyfriends. Both were very good men but my son was my focal point.  Okay, okay, okay – really I have been using my kid as an excuse so I wouldn’t become too invested in a relationship and get hurt, because I always get hurt. Now it seems “my excuse” is kicking me out of the nest - oh the irony.

Life has thrown (and landed) a lot of punches, I’ve taken every blow and I keep getting back in the ring – but this? Where do I start? What do I say?

I am a 39-year-old curvaceous single parent ISO a serious relationship? Well played life, well played, indeed.

Now, I’m off to create a profile on singleparentmeet.com – wish me luck.